How Did The Mathematician Deal With His Constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Thankfully, no mathematicians required.  Things started moving properly on their own around 7pm last night.  That's eight days after starting to eat solid food and eleven days after surgery.  All in due time...

This surgery was much more difficult than I thought.  I knew it was major surgery but I didn't realize just how major.  Erinn has had both of our kids by C-Section and she says I got it way worse than her.  Fair enough, I had a baby by C-Section and then they rearranged my guts.  It actually feels like they put a cinder block in my pelvis area between my two hips.  That's just how strange and heavy everything feels.  Of course, it's not as clean as a concrete cinder block with all the blood, gauze and hoses still hanging out of that area.  Plus, in the middle of my pelvis, I'm still numb from the slicing.  Erinn recalls that taking a couple of weeks to thaw from when she had a C-Section.  Can't wait for those nerves to regrow.

This morning the nurse came by and said my incision looks great and she tore off the dressing for the last time.  No more dressing.  Every two days I've had a dressing change over my main incision and tape on skin always hurts but tape on skin in the pelvic area is particularly sensitive.  The dressing was about 10 inches long by 5 inches wide from my belly button on down.  Glad that's done now.  Just a smaller dressing around the JP Drain and that stupid hose and bottle coming out of my pelvis to collect my waste fluid from inside my body.

I feel stronger every day.  I still can't sit but right now I'm kneeling at the desk to type this.  Not the most relaxing position but there's a lot more carpet at home than at the hospital.  Lazy-boy reclining is still good and getting in and out of the lazy-boy has gotten much easier. 

I may not be able to sit but I can walk.  I walk 4 to 5 kms each day.  I've been walking to the Ottawa River recently so I do that once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  I feel very light-headed when I get home so it's nap time but at least I'm able to do it.

I can't touch my shoes.  Erinn puts my shoes on and ties them for
me and, dressed like a Walmart shopper,  I go walking, rain or shine.
The weather hasn't been good lately but I don't care.  I still feel
groggy from the meds I was on (no painkillers for me in 1 week)
and I know when I'm feeling better, the sun will come out.

Morphine Bungs You Up

And I'm really going to start drinking LOTS of water to loosen things up.  Still no bowel movement.  Oh well, what can you do?

I'm so happy to be home.  Erinn had a tough time while I was in the hospital.  Our five year old, Kate, caught a stomach virus at school and just as she got better, our three year old, Maggie, caught it.  I came home the next day.  I thought it best to sequester myself in the basement away from the kids while I healed on the lazy-boy.  Brilliant plan.  I can also take a break by kneeling on the carpeted floor in the basement.  So good to be back in front of my TV and watching what I want on the PVR.  Lotsa racing to catch up on and lotsa racing to watch this weekend.

I cannot sit.  Doctor's Orders are not to sit for more than 5 minutes at a time.  No problem.  I can't even sit for 5 seconds.  If my ass could take it, my torso couldn't hold me up.  I was pretty sure I might be able to flop out at home in the lazy-boy, though.  And, yes, I can so long as I'm in the fully reclined position.  The next day Erinn made my life easier and got me bendable straws!  Small pleasures.

I walked with Erinn to the end of the block and back on Friday afternoon.  The next morning I walked all the way around the block and in the afternoon I did two laps.  All involve a lie-down afterwards.  This morning I quadrupled that distance by walking 1.2 kms to my parents' house.  I laid down on their lazy-boy before I walked home.  When I got home, back in the basement on the lazy-boy I went and Erinn brought me my lunch.  She's so good to me.  My parents are about 100 metres from the river so I'm sure in a few days I'll be walking all the way to the river.  I'll just have to bring a leather lazy-boy...

The nurse came by this morning and removed my 23 staples from the belly-button on down.  That's great.  Small progress.  What remains below are sutures, a Jackson-Pratt (JP) drain and the colostomy, which is permanent.  My pelvic area is still numb from the epidural.  That may last another week or two.  It feels weird.  A nurse will come by every Tuesday and Friday for the next few weeks.

The JP drain is weird.  I did a quick search on the internet to see when it originated but I couldn't find anything.  I'm guessing the late 1800's because that's how primitive it is.  It's a rubber ball with a clear hose on it.  The hose goes right inside my front pelvic area and drains the waste fluid from my wound inside my body.  When I'm draining less than 30 ml per day, I can remove the drain.  That may take another 3 weeks.  So far, I'm still draining 100 ml of waste fluid a day.  It looks like diluted blood.  How do they learn to come up with things like this?  "Well, he lived past the surgery for two weeks.  I wonder what killed him?"






That's me a couple of years ago.  I can't imagine bending my legs like that anymore.  One of the big carrots for getting home this weekend was to catch up on the motorcycle racing that I missed last weekend and watch more racing.  This is a big weekend.  Supercross in Seattle, AMA road racing in Atlanta and World Superbike in Assen, Holland.  I'll be cheering for Canadian Brett McCormick in World Superbike.  Brett, from Saskatoon, put TEAM SHOULDERCHECK rider Alan Burns and myself down one lap quite nicely at the Mosport Nationals a few years ago.  Then he went Pro and continued to decimate the field.  Good luck on the world stage, Brett!!!



Day 9: Jailbreak

The hospital, as lovely a place as it is, was really wearing on me the last four days.  I couldn't leave until I had a bowel movement.  I had gone into the hospital being told it was 7 days but I thought I could accelerate that to 6.  When I still couldn't walk after Day 4, I realized 7 days wouldn't be so bad.  Now I was walking everywhere but I had yet to have a bowel movement.

Daddy and Maggie.  Home after eight full days in the hospital.
Barely started the 9th day.

When my surgeon came in to see me again at 8am, he was discussing how important he felt it was for me to have a bowel movement before I left the hospital.  I saw another escape window closing so I cleverly changed the path of the conversation.

"I'm leaving in an hour.  What kind of prescriptions do I need?  I promise to pray to the bowel movement gods at home."

Day 6 7am

I think I ate my supper too quickly last night. The cooked carrots were delicious but I ate them too quickly. Or maybe I ate the second helping of ice cream too quickly. Either way, my tummy was queasy and I had a rotten five hours worth of sleep.

When the IV was finally removed from my arm, the tape in that
area hurt like hell.  I'd say more painful than having tape removed
from my front pelvic area which happened daily.

I am walking, however.  I thought I'd feel better brushing my teeth at an actual sink so Nurse Eva loaded up my IV pole with accessories and spent five minutes untangling me and off I went---ten steps to my private bathroom.  It felt great.  I walked down the short hall then returned to my room to read the paper standing up.  Elapsed standing time was 45 mins and no dizziness.  I have turned the corner.

I'm going to ask my surgeon this morning if I can go fully wireless, or hoseless.

Day 5

Today (Monday) was a better day.

I stood three times without fainting, I move to solid food at lunch and I left the attention-intensive post surgery room at supper.  I now have a private room (the upgrade was $220 per day and I signed NO but I got very lucky and they bumped me for free!).

My ass is sore. In University I rode my motorcycle from Ottawa to the Yukon six days straight.  This is harder. There is very little respite for my ass but last night I was able to sleep on my side. Tomorrow I'll try walking.

After five days, I still haven't looked below my waist but I think I'm ready to tomorrow.

My surgeon hopes to release me around the 7 or 8 day mark even though my walking is 4 days behind schedule [Wife's Note: 2 days behind schedule]  [Husband's Note: Even though I was on the morphine drip, I showed Erinn how to count on her fingers.  She agreed I was right.  4 days.]  He's happy my bowels are coming back to life.

I've also just washed my hair. The night nurse brought me a shower cap that she took out of the microwave and I scrubbed that into my hair. It had some moisture in it and I had to lightly dry my hair after.  All done in my bed.  Pretty neat.  I wonder if the astronauts use it.

The Gory Details:

The surgery was pretty involving and I have a scar from my belleybutton down to my pubic bone and a holesaw was used left of my bellybutton for the colostomy.  I think it was a Dewalt.  On the rear I have a much smaller scar and associated stitching.  No wonder they left me on the epidural for 3 days.

Today I had full feeling in my legs and I was able to stand with help for a few minutes at a time.  Similar to when I was sitting upright on the edge of the bed, it was a laboured process where my head was extremely faint and my breathing constricted.  I wanted to pass out.

I have an IV drip piped into my arm, the morphine pain drip medication goes in the same place, a blood drainage bottle from the incision behind [Wife's Note: puss drainage not blood] and a catheter.  The catheter is useful as I never have to get out of bed to urinate but tomorrow I'll ask to have it removed.  That's four hoses.  Right after surgery I was on oxygen, I had the epidural in my spine for three days and the toe cable for 3.5 days.  That's seven hoses.  I achieve small amounts of freedom with every hose removal.

Come see for yourself!

Hotel California is open and accepting visitors.
Pat is at the Queensway Carleton Hospital. He is moving rooms so check at the info desk to see where he has landed.
Visiting hours are 11:30-2 and 4-8.

Update

Toe Cable: DETACHED!  Ahh, small pleasures.  Now I can feel my legs better the cable attached to my right toe has been frustrating. For two hours I tried to bend my right knee but the cinder block cabled to my right toe was too heavy to move. The toe also glows in the dark and measures my oxygen and pulse.

After the toe cable detachment, Nurse Alana removed my epidural.  Full feeling should return to my legs in a few hours. I want to stand later today but for now I can lift my butt off the bed and roll sideways for a minute or two.  Ever been on a long road trip?  Well, I feel I've sitting in the same chair for about 60 hrs too long.  It's been 78 hours and counting.  Not that I'm complaining...

My guts are working too so that's good.  Maybe tomorrow I'll graduate from juice and jello to yogurt.  I poo poo the ice chips now.  My palette is maturing with my improving prisoner privileges.

Day 2

Tonight is Sat night. There's no wi-fi for patients so I'm thumbing out an update on Erinn's Blackberry.

When I awoke from the surgery around 2pm I was freezing cold.  Apparently it's the epidural.  Erinn got three warm blankets for me every 20 mins.  My teeth were chattering uncontrollably, both hands were asleep, both arms in great pain like I just had a big workout and I was numb from my bellybutton on down.

Erinn had to move my hands for me to be in a position of least pain.  I slept like a vampire with my hands crossed on my chest for the next six daytime hours.  When I awoke, my right hand was regaining feeling but I couldn't move either arm without lactic acid pain.  At 11pm I lied in my least painful vampire position and tried to sleep. By 6am when the sun came up, I was able to fall asleep.

My surgeon woke me at 7am and explained that it was lactic acid in my arms and my hands were asleep due to positioning on the operating table.  Weird. My right hand came to life that day but here it is 3.5 days later and I can only feel my left pinky.  

Ice chips.  No food allowed since Tues night. Not even breakfast on Cleansing Wednesday.  So when the ice chips were offered after surgery nap, they rivalled the best ice creams known to man. I love ice chips. And nothing says hospital food like a styrofoam cup full of ice chips accented with a plastic spoon.

This sucks.  I've been lying on my back since Thurs.  I was supposed to stand on Friday but it's clear I can't handle my drugs. My legs were like dead logs. The nurse struggled to get me to sit up just as Erinn showed up for a visit.  I sat up for two seconds with the nurse pulling on my burning arm then I fainted into a 1 hour nap.  Erinn went out to get herself some supper and let me sleep.

Today, third day in the hospital, the feeling in my legs is slowly coming back.  They trimmed back the epidural around 2pm and I could start to move my feet later in the day. I could wiggle my knees but Erinn had to bend them for me. She showed up again at sit up time. This time I sat up for 60 seconds with trembling arms while the nurse washed my back.  I collapsed into a semi-sleep state for the rest of Erinn's visit.  What a trooper.

I'm in good spirits otherwise.  I have one good arm and I can reach everything.  I feel like Bart Simpson washing himself with a rag on a stick.  Tomorrow will mark Day 4 of lying on my ass and I've had it. I've got to stand tomorrow.  Alana is the nurse tomorrow and that doesn't sound like a weightlifter's name. I need Nurse Brutus.

Day 1 post surgery

Pat's doing fine. He is in a step down room with care 24/7. His legs are numb and so is his left arm. He has not been on his feet yet but has sat up a few times. He asks that we hold off on visitors right now, until he is a bit more mobile. His spirits are good. He got a sponge bath today from a pretty nurse but said he did not enjoy it.
It turns out that Pat's bunk mate is Helene from work. Helene says hi to all her colleagues. What are the odds? Helene is also a cancer survivor and is going strong an ten years of no disease.
Pat has his cell with him so feel free to call him. Tomorrow I will bring him his iPad so you can also email him as well at his Rogers account (pat.boyd).

Post Surgery

Pat is out of the operating room and is in the recovery room.  Surgery went well.  Unfortunately a complete APR was required.  This was expected but is still a drag.  On the plus side, the doctor did not see the cancer anywhere else.  I'll be seeing Pat soon and bringing him his entertainment bag.  If I can lift it.  See contents below.  No, I am not joking.

• 5 big novels (including one about WW2 and one about financial planning)
• 60 magazines (10 Model Train Issues, 15 Sail Magazines, remainder motorcycle related)
• 1 DVD Player
• 2 Seasons of Battlestar Gallatica
• 7 DVDs of Motorcycle Racing Boringness
• 1 MP3 Player
• 1 extention cord
• Flash Light
• Various chargers

Surgery Day

Erinn here. Pat was wheeled in to surgery at 8 this morning. They should be done with him around 1pm. He'll be a couple of hours in the recovery room after that. Once I hear anything more I'll update.

Day before Cleansing Wednesday

That's what the girlfriend calls it.  Cleansing Wednesday.  How appropriate.  Tomorrow I will have my last breakfast and then drink a special drink and get rid of all my breakfast.  And everything else.  All day.  And then I'll drink more of the special drink around supper but I will not eat supper.  I will celebrate cleansing.

It'll be my third time doing this in recent months.  No big deal.  I have lots to watch on TV.  The TV is conveniently located near the bathroom.

My surgery is on Thursday.  Tomorrow I call the hospital to find out what time the surgery is but I expect it'll be an early morning admission.  I was thinking that when I wake up from the surgery I can have a good meal but I forgot that I won't be able to eat any food for a couple of days after the surgery.  Oh well, I'll stare at the ceiling to get my mind off food.

On the weekend I rode my KLR 650 dual-purpose bike up to the cottage for a solo overnighter.  I bought the bike off a friend a couple of years ago for an upcoming trip to Labrador (about 1,000 kms of gravel roads to Happy Valley-Goose Bay) then ferry over to St. Anthony, Newfoundland for the smooth asphalt ride home.  I had it on the radar for 2013 or 2014 but we'll see what transpires.  At any rate, it was my first time riding this bike on the highway and it'll do the trick just fine.  I searched the internet for an interesting gravel road route beforehand and I turned the routine 2 hr cottage trip into a more interesting 4 hour trip.

Spring had arrived there as well.  To my surprise, I installed the water pump and I had hot, running water an hour later.  That was about a month ahead of schedule.  I've been bitten before by thinking everything has thawed and gone up in early May only to find out the ground was still frozen.  As I lifted and installed the pump, I also realized I won't be able to lift something that heavy for quite a few months but hopefully I can still lift in the future or I'll have to get both kids and the wife to install the water pump in the future.

The Paugon Dam near Low, Quebec.  Not at all on my usual
route to the cottage.



The detour made things a lot more interesting for me.

 

The cottage is only 10 kms from this covered bridge in
Fort Coulonge, Quebec.



My dad and I built this cottage 20 years ago.  In November
2011, I was in the lawyer's office to transfer ownership to myself.
Done.  I had just bought the cottage.  Two weeks later I
was told I had cancer.  Oops!

I was happy to see the ice didn't take the dock away this year.

I'll sit around here in my wheelchair next month and watch my
dad do some dock levelling.



A sunset like this makes you want to go inside and watch some
AMA Superbike racing on the tube TV.  A friend gave me a VHS tape of Mid-Ohio
races from 2001.  Awesome!  Nicky Hayden, Miguel Duhamel, Eric Bostrom,
Matt Mladin and those perrenial favourites Steve Rapp and Larry Pegram.
Ben Spies was a nobody back then and finished in the 20-something spots
in both races.  Adjust the tracking and away we go.  VHS will never die!!!

1.5 Weeks To Go

I don't have cancer.  April Fools.

Yep, by this time next week I'll be eating a low residue diet and then drinking Pico Salax the next day and starving myself for surgery. 

Nothing much to report.  Still feeling good and exercising 6 days a week.  (And eating lotsa dessert every chance I get!  I hear potato chips are good preparation for getting your insides ripped out.)  Erinn was a good sport and we got her out on her new motorcycle during the good weather.  Since then I've been running every errand that I can by motorcycle.  The surgery will have me off the motorcycle likely until June or July.




Really, I think she loves red.  Erinn's Christmas gift was a new
Honda CBR250R.  She was slightly underwhelmed but I thought
it was a perfect gift.  She bought me a stupid iPad. 
I use it as a cutting board.

Our hospital appointment a week and a half ago was just prep for surgery but it took the full five hours of going from one station to the next.  Looks like I'm all set for surgery.  There was no stoma nurse appointment and we had a great deal of difficulty getting one but we're going on Wednesday for one at the Ottawa General Hospital.  April 12th is surgery day at the Queensway Carleton.  Now I'm at the point where I can wait for surgery and I don't want it.  The good news is they'll be removing the cancer and I can start the next stage of recuperation then 5 to 6 months of chemotherapy.  The bad news is I'll have to get used to the colostomy.  However, I have learned that lifting things should not be that impacted once I've healed up three months after surgery.  So, now I have no excuse for not trying wakeboarding.

No snow, shorts and t-shirts on March 22nd.  Nearing the end
of a record-setting warm week.  Now we're back to April
temperatures.